God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
