your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
