i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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