I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
