Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
