sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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