I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
