Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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