im drinking this country out of the recession.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
