my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
