I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
