I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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