Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
