My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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