There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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