I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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