she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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