Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
