haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
