your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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