I will die if light touches me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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