I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
