Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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