Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
