saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
