I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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