No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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