I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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