you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
