I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
