i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
