In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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