a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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