This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
