we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
