He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
