I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
