It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
