I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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