I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
