My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
