Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
