Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
