Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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