Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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