@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
a search helicopter?!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
