Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
