Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
