i need an iv and a liver transplant
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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