I'm gonna have a badass scar
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
