He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
